An Interview with Dr. Milquemost
Don: Yes, this is Don Dairyingdo, and I’m here interviewing world renowned expert both on dairy cows and the fascinating connection between that bane & blessing of the industry, of all things, need I say it, “constipation”! Or, should I say more precisely professor, “cowstipation”?
Dr. M: Yes indeed Don! And I thank you for the chance to share about my foundational work in this matter. And, boy, it is udderly, absurdly amazing!
Don: So, Doctor, I’ve had a chance to peruse this eureka moment you happened upon about the link between milk cows and constipation. Can you delicately expand upon this please?
Dr. M: Sure, now everyone knows about the “C’ with people. First off, if liquid’s left on the counter and when you return you’re greeted by brie, that’s a little hint. And I’ll grant you, that campaign where they showed those white upper lipped Rorschach tests did a lot to popularize milk to a entire generation. But people can control this for themselves. It’s the bovine tragedy I’m here to talk about today.
Don: Cow’s that?
Dr. M: Well, my good boy, in my research it seems the Native People, specifically the Milkwaukee Tribe, had much to say about what we term today as “dairy” cows and their existence nearly 2 centuries ago.
Don: What do you mean by today’s terminology? Of course they’re dairy animals and they’ve ever been. Haven’t they?
Dr. M: To shock you and the world…no! Though almost all Native People, our North American Indians, had the tradition of passing on oral histories, in the mid 19th century they began to land in print. I happened upon very extensive and detailed writings by 2 Milkwaukeegans. He Who Hides His Face In Bowl and She Of Two Drip Chin.
Don: Please, finish your milk.
Dr. M: It seems that as I say, what we erroneously describe as dairy cows had quite a different nature on our Great Plains. The Natives termed them the Great White Buffalo. They were social animals, herds, that ran the terrain wild and were quite ferocious.
Don: My goodness Dr. M, that seems totally out of line with the docile, solitary beasts one might see on Pasteur Acres doesn’t it?
Dr. M: That isn’t all Don. It seems they roamed and trampled entire villages simply to let off a little cream-especially the adolescents. So, we’ve wrongly changed their very God given natures. And, true, too, they do give off milk, but it was meant only for their immediate few and one who just happened to trot by. After all, if I lend you a dollar, that doesn’t make me a bank.
Dr. M: Leave it to man to tinker with what’s well left alone. A wandering couple in the mid 1800’s encountered a barb wire display and that burgeoned into our dairy industry. The long, short and squaw squat of it is that stools were never meant to meet a cow at 90 degrees as bowling shoes weren’t meant to leave the lane. They weren’t supposed to be domesticated. Just because one may doesn’t dictate that one should.
Don: But, Dr. M, how do you explain the logistics of it, millions of cows in custody willingly milking away their day?
Dr. M: Fabuloso question dear boy, very insightful. Now here is the Midas moment. In all my research, it seems the height of irony. Individual cows, isolated, alone, exposed, standing in public sight and lost of herd mentality has had a nefarious effect upon them. Anxious animals with full udders, holding all that milk, has made them, well “Constipated” themselves! A, it prevents them from drifting very far, and, B, what else to do in a captive environment, but to multiply. Sort of like a twosome stranded on a tropical island.
Don: Oh, my goodness, what can we do to rectify this lactose intolerant crime?
Dr. M: Back to that Don. Additionally, the passing of school buses, those free breakfasts, incessant cereal commercials, and, lately, the competition of protein drinks has done nothing but to further bind up these nervous milk machines.
Dr. M: I, united with my Brothers and Sisters of the Milkwaukee Tribe are dedicated to doing all we can to free our Sister White Buffalo. Confidentially, we have Comanche commandeered a traffic helicopter and will initiate Operation Prune Drop over these massive, industrial milk farms. It is hoped that this movement will….well…result in movement, and, thereby, a joyous and liberating, running return to the wild.
Don: Dr. M, I thank you so much for the privilege. And, I look forward to next week’s program, “The Misunderstood Great White”.